Most of us take everything too. damn. personally. 🤦🏻‍♀️

In today’s letter, we’ll talk about why your time, energy, and attention are the most precious commodities in the world…

…and why you shouldn’t just waste it and throw it around willy nilly on shit that doesn’t deserve it.

Here’s the real secret to becoming an unbothered queen:

You become unbothered by choosing not to give a fuck about things that don’t deserve it. 

That, and reclaiming your energy and channeling it towards the stuff of life that IS essential—your health, wellbeing, and happiness. Your ability to be your fullest self so you can make the utmost positive impact in the world.

Grab your warm bevvy, cozy up, and let’s get into it.

Hello, I’m an Ex-People Pleaser

I used to take everything so damn personally.

Frankly, I was the biggest people pleaser alive. And I hinged my happiness and value on other people’s approval of me.

Like, how I perceived myself, and the amount of trust and faith and love I placed in myself, was directly correlated to my outside world.

I was THAT insecure.

I valued quantity over quality of friends. In undergrad, I was THAT girl.

The one at all the parties.

The one schmoozing up to all the frat boys.

The one preoccupied with racking up as many Facebook friends as possible.

If I didn’t have people to text or call or hangout with on evenings and weekends, I felt like the biggest loser. I legitimately felt like everyone I came into contact with HAD to like me, or it was a reflection on how shitty and invaluable I was.

And if I had even an inkling that someone DIDN’T like me, I would get torn up over it. I would ruminate for days as to why—What did I do? What did I say? Was it the way I was dressed? Was I too clingy?—I would go over every detail in my head and and spiral into rabbit holes of what I could possibly do to change myself.

And finally, I was ~hypersensitive~ to everyone’s reaction to me. I would literally agonize over the smallest of details—Why was her tone of voice like that when she responded to me? Why did she have that facial expression? Why didn’t he text me back right away? I would take other people’s reactions and behaviors UPON myself, and I always, in my head, made it about myself. About something I did.

So yeah guys, my early 20’s was a fun time.

Even after getting sober at 21, and starting to learn really important foundational principles on self-love and self-awareness, taking things personally was a habit that took a long, long time to get over. So when I go into today’s spiel on how not to take things personally, please trust that this is coming from a person who literally DID fucking take, every damn thing, big and small, personally. To the core.

Now, fast forward to today.

If I DO end up taking something personally, nowadays, it’s because whatever is asking for my attention and emotional investment is something I’ve actually deemed as worthy.

Worthy of my time. Worthy of my energy.

And usually these things have to do with the betterment of my life, my daughter, and anyone else I care about. I want to progress in my career, so I give a shit about my career. I care about providing a financially free future for my daughter, so I care a lot of about my personal means to be able to do that for her. I want to live a long life with my daughter, so I take my health and wellness seriously.

These are just some of the things I intentionally CHOOSE to give a shit about. The shits I give are very intentional.

What this means is that, if I’ve deemed something as NOT worth stressing over, then it’s out of my head in about 5 minutes or less. (Hell, the goal nowadays is 30 seconds or less.) I am NOT going to sit here and entertain something that has nothing to do with me or that I have no control over, period.

I’m over it. I’m not emotionally invested in it. I’m not ruminating on it.

If it doesn’t serve me, or my life, or my ability to make a positive impact in the world, then I don’t entertain it or keep it in my headspace.

99% of the time, these things I’ve deemed as NOT worth my attention are things I absolutely have no control over.

There’s the big, common sense stuff—like the weather, world economics, traffic, grand-scale politics both in my country and in others…

Down to the small—like other people’s behaviors and reactions. For example, if someone is snappy with me on Slack, I assume it’s because they’re having a bad day or dealing with their own personal issues, and I leave it with them. I don’t dwell or ruminate or wonder what I could have done wrong to make them snap at me.

Or, let’s say I’m giving a presentation, and three of the people look bored, or one looks irritated—even so, I don’t give more of a shit than I need to. So long as I’m doing my best and fulfilling the objective of the presentation I’ve been asked to do, as far as I’m concerned, I’m good. The people who look bored have a right to be. The person who looks irritated may have just gotten into a fight with their partner earlier that day. I have NO IDEA what’s truly going on in people’s internal worlds, and therefore I don’t have to place even 1% of my energy there or in figuring out why.

That’s not my job.

It’s not my business, and it’s not my journey.

The ability to distinguish what actually matters vs. what doesn’t is the key to becoming an unbothered queen. Your attention is focused and intentional and always driven towards your goals, rather than on every little circumstance and trigger that you may come across in your path. You CHOOSE to give your time, energy, and emotional investment to what truly matters—yourself, your beliefs, your positive impacts on the world—rather than on circumstances you likely have little control or influence over.

Along with that, you need to be rock-solid in your understanding of your worth and value. You can’t question who you are or the value you bring into this world, or you’ll believe and entertain every unfavorable opinion of you. You’re not made for everyone, and not everyone will approve of you, and that’s okay.

Unconditional self-love, understanding, and self-awareness is the other counterpart to truly not giving a fuck because you will simply remove yourself from any situation that is not a right fit for you. Again, no rumination, dwelling, or “What can I do to make people like me…”—No. You simply exit the circumstance that’s not for you and spend your energy finding the people, places, and things that ARE your vibrational match.

So without further ado, let’s break down this important skill of not giving a fuck… at least over things that aren’t worth giving fucks over.